I'm not entirely sure I should write a blog post today, as I don't really have a 'thing' in mind, but I shall sit, and I shall write and we'll see what comes out.
We went to church today, It was good. I like church, I love hearing someone else read the bible out loud to me, it kind of feels like it has more authority. I know that's not true, but maybe it's like when you're about 7 and you can read, but really you still prefer your parents to read to you. I like it when I can hear things, in my ears - not in my head. Do you know what I mean ?
My head is sometimes a cluttered and confused place, so hearing things come into your head through your ears first is better, I find.
My brain feels clearer than it has for a while, when my energy is low my brain kind of clouds over a little, thinking and processing gets really hard work. Having had proper sleep now for about 9 months I feel some of the parts of my brain beginning to awaken. I think it takes that long to recover from broken sleep, I guess it varies from person to person, but sleep and me have always had a very close relationship. I'm a bit of a 9/10 hours sleep a night girl. Even before having CFS I have always needed lots of sleep. People say when you have kids you get used to it, it's all lies ! You do get used to it, but it doesn't make you need sleep any less, you just get used to feeling really rough, dazed and well, a bit topsy turvy.
A good friend of mine has recently had baby number two and is in the 'night feed stage'. She is a wonderfully positive woman, she loves her baby dearly and generously gives to her children of herself, but I can see the exhaustion in her eyes and hear the strain it's having on her as she makes it through another day with much less sleep than really is advisable ! I would love another baby but that night feed stage, oh it is precious, but man it is SO very hard. I loved the night feeds in some ways, the times you get with your little one are special and to be cherished. But equally they are horrid and made me go a little crazy. When I heard that cry it sent shivers down my spine, as my own inner child had a tantrum and kicked and screamed for rest, long.... deep....... rest. I wasn't alone in having to teach my body how to sleep again. When Willow did learn the beautiful act of sleeping for a full night....(and by that I mean 7pm - 7am, what's with people who say their baby sleeps through the night and by that they mean midnight til about 5am, seriously people, that is a good stretch of sleep and take what you can get by all means, but not a full night in my book ) my body had forgotten what to do, I couldn't rest, couldn't switch off, my brain was in a weird state of alertness, listening, waiting to respond to the needs of one who was so recently a part of my body.
So while I long for the chance to hold and nurse another baby, I seriously dread the night feeds stage, for fear of loosing it a bit. But we'll see, I am SLOWLY learning not to fear the future as I don't know what it will bring, sometimes it's so much better than I hope for, other times it will be so much worse, either way, dread and fear are never feelings I like to welcome into my cluttered and busy mind.